SUCCESS! I combined some advice lol
I deleted both the SLR app and the HAPTICS app off of everything. Shut all my other bluetooth devices off, which there were many.
On my Quest 2, I reinstalled the SLR version of Haptics Connect but not the SLR app itself, connected through the haptics connect app and signed in. Then went through the DEOVR app and went to SLR that way...the haptics connect button showed green so i tried a video and it finally responded. Scared the shit out of me even lmao. Almost a year getting this thing to work lol.
One thing i noticed that i hadn't before was that my Quest 2 was connected to my phone's BT, so I unpaired that as well from my phone.
thanks!! you guys are awesome and obviously very patient.